Church of Googletology

By Catherine Potts | Aug 24, 2007
More Articles by Catherine


Google Church

WHAT? Well now, that’s just nonsense.

OK. So this raises the question (perhaps not totally original). Is Google like a “god?” Maybe. In a way (or many ways, depending on how you view it).

I can here the crowd now collectively sighing “OMG”.

There is proof that Google is “god” according to The Church of Google (COG) and that most use Google to go to find out stuff, much like normal church. COG argues that Google, as a “god”, fulfills what the definition of a “god” is.

They give a list of 9 reasons, I’ll list several:

#1-Google is the closest thing to an Omniscient (all-knowing) entity in existence, which can be scientifically verified. She indexes over 9.5 billion WebPages, which is more than any other search engine on the web today. Not only is Google the closest known entity to being Omniscient, but She also sorts through this vast amount of knowledge using Her patented PageRank technology, organizing said data and making it easily accessible to us mere mortals.

#2-Google is everywhere at once (Omnipresent). Google is virtually everywhere on earth at the same time. Billions of indexed WebPages hosted from every corner of the earth. With the proliferation of Wi-Fi networks, one will eventually be able to access Google from anywhere on earth, truly making Her an omnipresent entity.

#6-Google remembers all. Google caches WebPages regularly and stores them on its massive servers. In fact, by uploading your thoughts and opinions to the internet, you will forever live on in Google’s cache, even after you die, in a sort of “Google Afterlife”.

#8-According to Google trends, the term “Google” is searched for more than the terms “God”, “Jesus”, “Allah”, “Buddha”, “Christianity”, “Islam”, “Buddhism” and “Judaism” combined.

God is thought to be an entity in which we mortals can turn to when in a time of need. Google clearly fulfils this to a much larger degree than traditional “gods”.

Now a lot of people would beg to differ. Especially the Darth Google people who think that Google is at best a somewhat evil “democracy” that really isn’t a democracy at all but more so like the mob who makes people think they might have a choice in what’s going on but in reality really don’t. I’m not going to link to the Darth Google site since it contains many unsavory war-time images (and one really annoyed writer) that are guaranteed to offend and that’s not what I’m about *snicker*.

Irking more than a few Anti-COG’rs, Google appears to have more control over ranking sites and search results then they really want to admit. Every time I read or hear something from a Googlist, it seems they like to make people think things aren’t within Google’s control.

Can I say Google more? GOOGLE GOOGLE GOOGLE.

They’re the ones who create the algorithms, right? So it’s fair to say that they’re controlling answers to the prayers of us church goers to a certain extent.

Hey, check out Gesus:

Google God
courtesy Thomas Friedman

Offended yet? Think it’s out of line to compare a search engine to a “god?” I can’t say that I disagree with you on a politically correct level but then again, I’m not a particularly religious person nor am I known as a politically correct one either. Obvious statement to follow: Google is a behemoth. To all of us in SEO, Google has a lot of influence. Trying to decode Google is the bane of many an existence. Hey, it’s also job security. Annoying isn’t it?

I don’t really see a ton of articles on or people wondering “how on earth do I break through the Yahoo! ranks?” or “why can’t I get to the top of MSN?” I’ve managed to achieve that quite easily with a personal website of mine. Big deal! Nobody is really looking there right now.

Sure, there are some questions that Google can’t answer. For example, if you’re pregnant Google won’t know and hopefully they won’t try and dictate the direction of the pregnancy like other religions.

Over the line?

Google is so involved in our daily online lives that it’s hard to see where their presence begins and where it ends. Does it end? It’s amazing to me that it is now considered to be similar to an all-knowing “god”.

So what questions cannot be answered by Google? Do you know?

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